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meditations
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Mindfulness Inspired
Poetry
He Is Me
I am he and he is me. For at times I know that despair… the pull of wanting to be seen and wanting to hide. Fearing that I don’t belong and that I am not worthy of love. I know the cloak of loneliness. I feel the resentment of being overworked and underappreciated. We all do.
I feel it. In the tension seizing my body as I casually spew hatred back and forth with a friend. I taste it. In the bitterness that creeps up the back of my throat choking the air that I breathe. I see it. In the hours that I scroll mindlessly on social media avoiding my responsibilities. I smell it. In the processed food that I binge on because I am too ashamed to acknowledge my intense emotions. I hear it. In my own voice when I tell myself that I am nothing but a failure.
Did he experience it too? The pain and suffocation. The idling mind and numbing shame. Did he tell himself he was worthless? Did anyone tell him he was wrong? Instead of screaming to be heard over the sound of cascading bullets, maybe he would have known that his life was worth more. That he mattered.
We all matter and it is about time that we start acting like it. In this call to action I invite you to embark on a journey of loving kindness. Let’s come together to spread love and kindness. Only through love can we heal hate.
The Unspeakable
I cry with them
The ones who have suffered the unspeakable
My heart cannot comprehend such sadness
My body does not appreciate
The magnitude of sorrow and strength
Needed to continue living in a world that is shattered
I cry for me
I have not suffered the unspeakable
My heart does not have to understand
My body does not know those depths of despair
Yet sometimes I question my inner strength
My inability to soften
Some days my world feels so hollow
At times, I am tormented by a whirlwind of emotions
The frustration and disgust
For him and her
Her and him
And then for me
The judgments hit hard
Their impact is blinding
Before I can regain my stability, I am ricocheted
The rebound leaves me gasping for breath
Franticly searching for dignity
How can I be so ungrateful
So disgusting
For I have not suffered the unspeakable
Still I want to run away
How can I want to leave
When others would give anything for one more moment
One more breath
I am a monster
Unnatural and undeserving
I find myself desperately searching for space
A little more room to breathe
But how can I be so self-indulgent
When there are others who have been suffocated
Air has failed them… everything has failed them
Am I failing them too?
Army
Look around and see the chaos rise
Mounting momentum with a few more lies
Instability feeding hatred and fear
Helplessness drowned by drugs and beer
Anger masking confusion and doubt
A silent stirring begging to come out
But wait my friend, no need to ignite
It is not time yet, reserve the fight
First find stillness a nonreactive stance
The time will come; you will have your chance
Turning inward is the only way
Tuning the violin before you play
Refrain from action until the mind is clear
When the time is ready the army will appear
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Birth
Birthing a child begins the rebirth of the self
It is an opportunity for inception
A commencement
To begin living in alignment with your truth
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Death
I don’t need to ask any questions
I don’t need to seek further guidance
Because I already know
The silence has taught me well
There is no such thing as fairness
Death does not discriminate
Chance and impermanence dictate
But do not falter
Do not allow this truth to change you
Remain still and receptive
There is no need for hatred or blame
It will only block the flow of life
It will merely harden your delicate soul
Observe the hurt poured forth
Somehow take comfort in the pain
Writhe in the agony
Balance on the support of others
For to suffer is to be human
And to be human is to be peace
Listen
I look at him with hatred
In his eyes are the reflections of my failures
I look at him and I see me
The flawed, dispassionate, the ugly
Stripped of all my glory
Unable to cling to my accolades
Instead I am barren
Feeble and uncertain
He mirrors my truth
Reminds me that I cannot and will not defy destiny
I look at him and I feel lost
Scared, hopeless, and empty
He refuses to sugarcoat it
Will not allow me to hide behind my defenses
He tells me to PAUSE
Stop pretending that living this way is okay
It is not
I look at him
Closer this time
And he tells me
To choose to love
To offer compassion towards the ambiguity, the insecurity
How many times must he tell me before I listen?
Cracks
Follow the cracks in your heart
Careening cautiously
As not to miss any aberration
Each stitch a story
A triumph, a tragedy
A collection of moments
That define your life…
If you let them
Follow the trail of terror
The memory that you try to ignore
The one that will not let you forget
The moment that broke your heart open
And allowed for the cracks to form
Look closer
Closer
Closer
Closer even
Until you are face to face with the reality
The beauty of the break
The openness
The expansion
Allow the mind to settle
Watch as the fear floats away
Drifting into the divine
Feel the peace of the present moment
Notice how nothing changed
Yet somehow everything changed
The terror transcends to triumph
Devastation to deliverance
There is a freedom in letting go
A sense of wisdom in the stillness
Be curious
Embrace the unknown
Follow the cracks in your heart
Who knows where they may lead
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Mirror
When you look into the mirror please tell, what do you see
Is your focus surface level, shallow, a narrow definition of me
Do you get stuck on imperfections, the flaws you try to hide
What happens when you go you deeper, ending up on the other side
Can you sit with the chaos, the unearthing of the soul
Quieting the mind without striving toward a goal
Will you stay present as the vultures dive in, tearing at the flesh
Unmoving as the afterglow leaves you tingling and refreshed
A moment of clarity carrying brilliance in its wake
Followed by the lull of monotony, a dull and throbbing ache
See them all as one, together in a single frame
No need for attachment, persecution or blame
For life is a collection of moments, one no better than the next
A network of interconnection, untamed and complex
“Your meditations are beautiful. Thank you Amanda for your time, support and encouragement.”
-Krista, Deer Park